My son started preschool last week. After his first day, he told me he had a 'lubbly' day, and he wanted me to 'brrmmm [drive] him there again'. Much of the class was made up of his good friends from playgroup and ABA. At first glance, it was a lovely environment for a three year old- lots of new toys to explore, a big sandpit, teachers trained in early childhood education, a healthy food policy... so why isn't he going anymore?
The simple answer is- he didn't want to go. And I listened to him. The teachers, and other parents, were mostly surprised that I 'let' him make this decision for himself. His father felt that I must have said something to change his mind, to 'turn him against preschool'.
I wasn't keen on preschool from the start. I felt uncomfortable about Malachi being just one of twenty children in a class, with two teachers who hardly know him. How can they properly meet his needs when they're trying to do the same for nineteen other children?
I know that my parenting beliefs differ from the mainstream. I didn't want Malachi being labelled 'naughty' or 'disruptive' because he preferred to play cars than do a painting, or because he wanted to keep painting instead of sitting quietly on the mat.
I know that most people don't have the same view of children that I do- children are people too! They are not annoyances, they do not need to be taught to 'obey'. Unquestioning obedience is not a valued attribute in adults, except by dictators, so why are our children 'trained' to thoughtlessly obey people in positions of power (ie adults)?
So it seemed to me that the very nature of preschool would conflict with how I am raising my children. But my husband was very keen on Malachi going- he feels that Malachi needs to do something 'away from me'. That, as a three year old, he needs to have separate experiences from me, his mother, the person who is closest to him and who knows him best.
I disagree, obviously. I believe that when he is ready to be more separate from me, he will be. He doesn't need to be pushed or forced- that this in fact will achieve the opposite and make him feel insecure, and therefore more 'clingy'.
But I agreed to give preschool a go- making it abudantly clear that I would not leave him there if he didn't want me to.
We have a book about 'little school', and about what happens there. He was quite excited about starting. We bought a new lunchbox for him, and he labelled one of his hats as his 'preschool hat'. He knew that his best friend Flynn was going too, and was counting down sleeps until he started.
The first morning, we got up and got ready. We'd made his lunch the night before. We packed his bag. As we waited out the front for his teachers to open the doors, his friends started arriving. He hugged them, and they sat together for photos. The teachers opened the doors, in we all went and unpacked bags. The children looked around and found things to do. Malachi sat down and played with some playdough, did a painting, and found the cars. Zara and I watched him for a while. I asked him if he was happy for me to go, and he said yes, barely looking at me. So off we went.
I had mixed emotions- hoping that it would be a positive experience for him, hoping he would come through it without his individually squashed, hoping he'd changed his mind and I wouldn't have to deal with it at all.
I called at about midday, and was told he was fine.
At 3 o'clock Zara and I arrived to pick him up. He gave me a big hug, told me what a good day he'd had, and asked when he could go again.
Over the next few days, he seemed excited about the next time he could go to preschool. The night before, as we made his lunch, he still was.
Shortly after waking up, however, he abruptly changed him mind. He DID NOT want to go to preschool again. He knew Zara and I were planning on going grocery shopping after dropping him off, and he said he wanted to come shopping too. So we went shopping first, and then arrived at preschool. He was still saying he didn't want to go. We talked about it, and agreed that we'd go there, see what was there, play for a bit, and then see how he felt. If he wanted to come home, we'd let the teachers know, and go.
Once we got there, he had a look around. He did a bit of playing. He said he wanted to go home. So we went to tell one of the teachers what was happening.
I got as far as "Malachi says he doesn't want to stay-", when the teacher interrupted. She started listing all the 'fun things' they were going to do that day, and asked if he wanted to read a book with her. Malachi loves reading, and he said that he did. They went and sat down on the mat, Malachi chose a book, and they read it. Malachi hopped up and chose another one, and he seemed settled, so I asked if he was happy for me to go home. He burst into tears, grabbed the book away from the teacher and put it back on the shelf, grabbed onto me and cried, "I want to go hooooome!"
The teacher was a bit taken aback when I took him home, instead of leaving my distressed crying child with her while I walked out, as I guess many parents do.
Next preschool day, we agreed that we'd go to preschool. Zara and I would stay until Zara was ready for a sleep, and then we'd see how he felt.
We stayed for most of the morning. Everywhere I looked, my misgivings were confirmed about the preschool environment. Three children didn't want to stay- all were left crying as their parents walked out. Two spent most of the morning sobbing alone, occasionally being guided to an activity and then left again. At morning tea, children were made to keep eating when they had had enough- "Just have one more bite! You haven't eaten enough! You can't go play yet- just one more bite!" At 'morning group time', children were made to feel uncomfortable, being urged to greet the teacher by name when they didn't want to. Children who did were lavishly praised- "Good girl!"
Still, Malachi seemed happy. He checked where I was every so often, but mostly got on with the business of playing. He ate his morning tea quickly and was off into the sandpit like a flash.
At about 11.15, I told Malachi that Zara was getting tired. Without hesitation, he said, "OK, let's go home." As I was getting his bag ready, the teacher came over. She said to him, "Oh, I'm so sad you'll be missing out on all the things we're going to do later!" Emotional blackmail, anyone? Malachi wasn't phased, though- he was going home and that was that.
We cancelled his place the other morning. It felt very good.
Other mothers are already talking about the undesirable behaviour their children are picking up at preschool- and they've only been attending for a few days. I'm glad I don't have to deal with it. I can get on with the business of raising my child the best way I know how- respectfully, and without interference from institutions that think they know better.
1 week ago
8 comments:
Good on You Rach, you are a good loving mama. I totally agree with you, children are people to be listened too.
I did the same with Beren, took him out from a preschool early on because he didn't like it and was not happy. We waited until he seemed ready again, and he loved every minute of it.
I agree with you Rach, I experienced something similar with my Mr5 and it took me longer to hear his message- good on you.
We agree on a lot, but not in this case. In an ideal world my children would never have been in full time childcare and would not be again in the future. However, good, childcare does have it's place in assisting us in teaching our children how the real world works. We can give them the ideals, but experience will teach them how to apply them. I took some quotes.
"children are people too" Yes very true.
"they do not need to be taught to 'obey'" Again, I agree, to a point. Children do have to learn that there are rules and boundaries in life, however much we would like it to be otherwise.
"when he is ready to be more separate from me, he will be." How will this be decided? If he is comfortable being with you all the time and does not have to spend time apart, how is to learn that it is ok to be without mummy and daddy for a little while and indeed that mummy and daddy will always come back and will never forget me.
"She started listing all the 'fun things' they were going to do that day" As an ex childcare worker, the same as yourself if memory serves, this is done to assist the parent and to help settle the child. If you had explained to the worker that you were only there to amuse your husband and did not want your son to be left, I am sure she would not have tried.
Rach, I totally agree with your approach, and I think you did the right thing. Malachi is sooooo lucky he has a mama who is willing and able to listen to him and respect him. He made clear what he wanted, you gave him multiple chances to change his mind.
I'd like to respond to the above comment.
"Children do have to learn that there are rules and boundaries in life, however much we would like it to be otherwise. " I think this is true to an extent, however I believe life throws situations at them where this lesson can be learned without it having to occur in a preschool centre. And I think the kind of 'obeying' a child learns in a school environment is not the kind I want my child learning. I want my child to know that there are boundaries to what they can and can't do, but that they are always encouraged to think about things and analyse them and debate them. Not much of this can occur in a school environment; if you do not obey you are punished or shamed. Preschool is a very watered down version of this, I'm talking more about primary school, but it is the start of a road that leads to dubious places.
"If he is comfortable being with you all the time and does not have to spend time apart, how is to learn that it is ok to be without mummy and daddy for a little while and indeed that mummy and daddy will always come back and will never forget me." I agree, it is good for them to learn there is life beyond mum and dad and that they will return if gone, but leaving them in a place they don't want to be, especially if they are crying, is not the best way to go about teaching them this lesson. To me it seems all they will learn is that mummy will leave me no matter that I am upset, that my feelings don't seem to matter. Three is still very young, there is plenty of time to learn separation from mummy. I don't see many teenagers refusing to get off the laps of their mothers. Believe me, he will learn about life beyond his mum!
At the end of the day, I think in your circumstance Rach, where you have the opportunity and willingness to be with your child for as long as he wants to be with you, I applaud you for giving him the opportunity to move into new territory, but respecting his wishes to return to your side.
I think we are close in opinion, just different sides of the line. Preschool and indeed school, are generally not the pow camp you are portraying. At some stage in life we all have to learn there are consequences to our action, that there are times we need to sit still and listen and there is a time for bouncing around and carrying on. I hope I am teaching y children this as I hope I assisted teaching other children the same when working in childcare.
As to your second point, it seems that you and many others feel that it is never ok to let a child cry. I believe that if a child is crying because they do not want to do something, that is not a reason that they shouldn't. This of course is assuming a safe situation. There are many things that I don't want to do, but hey I have to. Children have to learn. Where is the boundary between, "I am crying because I don't want this" and "I am crying because I want, but Mummy won't give it to me"? All of my children have cried about being left at some stage and it has been absolutely heartbreaking. But, all of my children have at least one of the workers that they absolutely adore even years after leaving their care.
I agree that they do need to learn there is a time and place for various behaviours, though I don't see how that relates to the situation being discussed in Rach's post. As I see it, her situation was more about respecting his feelings in that moment of being in a strange environment and not feeling comfortable staying there, rather than teaching him a lesson about appropriate responses and behaviours. I'm sure there are many opportunities at home to teach children about the appropriateness of various behaviours - as I said before I don't think this needs to occur in a school environment. And yes, schools aren't POW camps, I would never make such an extreme claim, though I stick by my statement that they restrict freedom and fail to honour each child's needs as individuals.
And yr right, I generally think children shouldn't be left to cry unnecessarily, just as I wouldn't want my sister or mother or friend to cry unnecessarily, and would do what I could to make them feel better if I could.
"I believe that if a child is crying because they do not want to do something, that is not a reason that they shouldn't." I agree, though just because you want them to do something, does not mean that they should.
"There are many things that I don't want to do, but hey I have to. Children have to learn." They will, undoubtedly, learn this lesson, with or without preschool education.
It's a topic that inspires passion and conviction, and deservedly so. Ultimately each parent has to do what feels right for them, which is ultimately what Rach has done.
Agree very much with your last statement. However, if it is the parents intention for the child to do a certain thing, crying should not be a reason for them not to. But as you say, this is my point of view.
I tried to write a response to your first comment, Nathan, but I was on my parents' computer and for some reason it screwed up. It basically said what Nalin's first comment said :)
As far as the teacher's response goes, yes as a childcare worker I probably would have responded in a similar way- but that was before I was a parent, and my opinions about children have changed majorly since then. I hope I wouldn't have said that I was 'sad' about a child 'missing out', as it is not a child's responsibility to worry about my emotions in that capacity. In my mind, a comment like that is attempting (probably unconsciously) to make the child feel guilty about making the teacher 'sad', and therefore trying to emotionally blackmail them to stay. The child needs to be concerned with his feelings about being in the situation- if he is uncomfortable being there, then that is enough reason for him to want to leave. He shouldn't be made to worry about the teacher's emotional reaction to his leaving.
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