Listen to the Three Year Old!

I've been meaning to post about ECing for a little while, but haven't gotten around to it. I've got a funny EC story now, so there's my motivation!

For anyone who doesn't know, EC stands for Elimination Communication, and basically it means you learn your baby's cues for when they need to go to the toilet. Just like they'll let you know when they're hungry, bored, tired etc, they'll also let you know when they need to do a wee... if you listen.

This is NOT 'toilet training'. It's more the parent that's being 'trained', but I think mostly it's another way to communicate and be in tune with your baby. See Tribal Baby for more EC info!

I heard about ECing before Zara was born, and had vague thoughts about giving it a go, but didn't get around to it. Then one morning she woke up and I offered her the breast, but she pulled on and off and squirmed all around. I thought of some stuff I'd read on Tribal Baby about 'plucking' on and off the breast being a sign for needing to do a wee. I thought to myself, "Maybe I could give that EC thing a go."

It was Sunday morning, and I'd had a big whinge at DH about being tired the day before, so he came and got Zara while I stayed in bed for a little while. She had her night nappy off and was nakeybum. After she'd been up for a while, I heard her making a sort of squirmy, uncomfortable noise. I thought, "Put her on the toilet..." About 5 seconds later, I hear DH say, "Oh, Zara!" and I knew she'd done a wee. That was when I decided, yep, we'll try EC with her.


We've been doing it for a bit over a month now, and it's been really quite easy. We catch most wees and poos most days. She only wears nappies at night, and to go out- but even most of the day nappies are dry now, even after being out for two or three hours. We had one day, last week sometime, where we had NO misses at all! How exciting! :D

Anyway, on to the funny story- a few days ago, Malachi, Zara and I were in bed. I'd been trying to get Zara to have a sleep, but she wasn't too keen, despite being tired. Before I'd taken her into bed, I'd put her on her little toilet, and she'd done a wee. She was getting a bit whingy, so I sat her on my stomach, with me lying down. She made some noises, and Malachi said, "She said 'weee! weee! weee!' She need to do a wee!" I said, "Mate, she only just did a big wee. I don't think she needs to do another one yet." But... a few minutes later... LOL! So I got wee'd on, and apologised to both Malachi and Zara for not listening to them.

This has been my biggest EC lesson (and one I still obviously haven't quite learnt!) - don't assume that she doesn't need to do a wee because she's only recently done one! And listen to the three year old!

Woohoo! Homeschooling Here We Come...

So after arguing and disagreeing with me for however long, DH has agreed (or 'accepted' at least) that we'll be homeschooling. Yay! Unfortunately the incident which I think may have prompted this was DH hearing that his daughter had been physically attacked (read: tackled to the ground and punched) by two boys at school, to which the teacher's response apparently was "Just ignore them..."

Malachi, Zara and I also went to the park today to meet with some other homeschoolers, to start a regular social group, which was also really positive. We've got a venue (playgroup hall- I'm on the playgroup committee), a day (Wednesday, as there isn't a Wed playgroup) and vague plans (sharing skills with the children- one woman said she'd do art stuff, I said I'd do cooking, someone's cousin runs a children's music program that we could do sessions at...). All in all, it was really positive, and the women seemed nice, even if one in particular had a somewhat *different* parenting style to mine...

We had some really positive chats about letting children learn things in their own time and in their own way, and I think we'll all see eye to eye on most issues.

The boy that we already knew through playgroup gave Malachi a hug when we left, which was cute, though Malachi was somewhat surprised and a bit unsure until I explained what B was doing!

Zara's the youngest at the moment, but B's mum is pregnant so there'll be another small one joining sometime next year.

So yay for first steps in creating a homeschooling community in which our children can learn safely, without pre-set ideas of what, when and how they should be learning!

I Knitted a Snake...

Woohoo! My second knitting project is complete! And it only took about a week.
Malachi asked me to make him an orange and blue snake, so I thought I'd give it a go. I made it up as I went along, and used it to try out and practise new knitting things I hadn't done before, like increasing, decreasing, colour changing, purl stitch, and combining knit and purl to make interesting patterns. I'm feeling quite proud of the result!

All the knitting done, looking like roadkill, waiting to be stitched up.

In the middle of life-saving stomach surgery.

I can be straight...

...or I can be curly!

Hmm, maybe my tongue is a bit too long!


Aahhhh! Zara! Don't eat me!

While I was making it, I asked Malachi what the snake's name would be, and he said.... Zara. So Zara-Snake joins Zara-Lamb and numerous dolls named Zara in Malachi's obsession of naming things after his sister.

My next project is a new bag for me, but I've told myself that I won't start it until I've done some work for my ABA training, which I've been too slack on lately! (and yes, maybe I should be doing that instead of blogging... but I have done some this afternoon!)

8 Months of Beautiful Zara-ness

Yes, my Zara-girl is 8 months old today! Here are some photos to show off her beautifulness and her abundance! (thanks Other Rach for that term, I love it!)

Reply From Playgroup

So I got a response to my somewhat angry letter about the controlled crying book excerpt featured in Totline, the playgroup magazine.

Dear Rachel

Thank you for taking the time to write back and express your concerns about the "The Big Sleep" article by Professor Gans. Feedback from members such as yourself is important to us. I have passed on your email to the editorial team to ensure an alternate view, such as yours, is expressed in a subsequent Totline edition. We will certainly have a look at the text that you have recommended and will investigate including it in a future article.

In the magazine we did identify that the article was a book review and provided an informative range of techniques on Progressive Waiting by Karitane (a well respected NSW early years group and drawn directly from their website) in a breakout box on the main page of the article.

I also note that the highly credentialed Australian parenting website Raising Children also has information regarding Controlled Comforting http://raisingchildren.net.au/articles/controlled_comforting.html and notes the following information on current research regarding Controlled Comforting (sometimes known as controlled crying)

Is controlled comforting harmful?

Despite concerns about potential harms to the baby, no studies published in peer-reviewed journals have shown any psychological or physical harm from using controlled comforting (or other behaviour management techniques described on this site). In fact, recent research has shown that babies who have undergone controlled comforting are more likely to sleep better in the short-term and are as well adjusted as their peers in terms of behaviour and sleep in the long-term.

I do however acknowledge that a few of the terms used by Professor Gans to describe the techniques he personally employed could be considered negative and perhaps could have been worded better, however as this was a review of his publication, it was not our place to rewrite his text.

Please feel free to call me personally if you need to discuss this matter as I value the feedback.

Many thanks,

Deb Ryan

Deb Ryan

Chief Executive Officer

Playgroup NSW Inc.

Hmm, not good enough methinks. That Raising Children site is just horrible, and when I had a squiz at the CC info a few years ago, it said that the baby might cry until they vomit, and that was fine. You should just go in, clean it up calmly, with no eye contact, and resume the torture session.

CHILDREN ARE PEOPLE TOO!!! THIS IS NOT OK!!!

Edited to add:

I wrote back.

Hi Deb

Thank you for replying. I understand that you were not responsible for the actual text, but you (being the editorial team, not you personally) were responsible for publishing it in your magazine, thus giving the impression that Playgroup endorses this particular parenting strategy.

The fact that it is endorsed by Karitane, and that Karitane is well respected, does not in any way mean that the technique is not harmful. Well respected doctors have, in the past, appeared in cigarette advertisements, and recommended certain brands of cigarettes to their patients for stress relief. Hindsight is a grand thing- we can now see how harmful this has been to many many people, and continues to be.
I also place no trust in the Raising Children website. Here is a further quote from their controlled crying advice:

"What if my baby vomits?
Some babies tend to vomit more often than others and about one in five may vomit during controlled comforting. If this happens it can be upsetting for baby and parent. Try to calmly clean up any vomit from the bed and put a clean nappy wrap under your baby’s head. It's best to avoid making a big fuss, turning on lights, or completely changing the baby unless absolutely necessary. Otherwise, some babies can learn to vomit each time they are put into the cot." [Italics mine]

If it is true that young babies vomit on purpose (and I greatly disbelieve this) then what kind of trauma must they be going through, if vomiting is a better option? If they are willing to put themselves through that 'each time they are put in the cot' rather than go through the stress and emotional pain of contolled crying again? Vomiting is not a pleasent experience. To do it purposefully to try and avoid somehting else must mean that the 'something else' is even worse.

Articles and books like this put an enormous amount of stress on parents of babies who do not sleep through the night. And this is the vast majority of babies! It is normal for babies to wake at night. It is not a problem to be solved- yet articles which portray it in this light lead parents to feel that there is either something wrong with their baby, or something wrong with their parenting. It creates tension and disrupts the mother-infant bond, as mothers begin to see it an an us-vs-them situation.

It is normal for babies to need help to get to sleep. If they are helped to sleep when they are young, it does not mean that they will never learn to go to sleep by themselves. We help our babies to get dressed, and trust that when they are old enough, they will learn to dress themselves. We carry our babies, wear them in slings, and push them in prams, but we trust that they will learn to walk on their own when they are ready. Why can't this same trust be applied to sleep? There are many parents who help their babies to sleep by various means, rocking, patting, singing, feeding, and co-sleeping, to name a few. How many of these babies are still demanding this when they are 18 years old? Silly question? Then obviously, they will stop needing to be helped to sleep at some point. We just need to trust our child.

My son, who is now three, was always fed to sleep, and slept with me. Until 22 months, he fed overnight too, but because he slept with me, neither of us needed to wake up for these night feeds. He would just roll over in his sleep, find the breast, and roll back over when he was done. At 22 months he nightweaned, but still fed to sleep each night. Soon after that I was pregnant, and with my milk supply declinig, he slowly cut down his feeds. The bed time feed was the last to go, but at 27 months, completely of his own accord, he stopped that feed too, and completely weaned. We then cuddled to sleep. He always went to sleep quickly, easily and happily. Just after his baby sister was born, he moved into his own bedroom, where he sleeps with his father, sometimes in the same bed, sometimes in different beds. I trust that, when he is ready, he will let us know that he doesn't want to sleep with Daddy anymore.In the meantime, it is lovely to have that extra nighttime connection and closeness with our children, and bedtime is a snuggly, happy time, not a drama.

As you can see, this is quite a passionate topic for me. It took me four days to write the first letter after I saw the article, as I couldn't bring myself to re-read it. I was shaking with anger and upset as I wrote the letter. I feel so sad for all those little babies, feeling that they have been abandoned, night after night, and not understanding why the people they trust with their lives will not come when they call, when they scream in distress.

Please get hold of a copy of Helping Your Baby To Sleep, and let parents know that it is normal for their babies to need them at night. It is OK to help them sleep. That their babies are people, with feelings. That they deserve to be treated as such.

Rachel M

OMFG! So Angry!

Got the Playgroup magazine, Totline, in the mail the other day. I wasn't expecting much, it's usually full of mainstream crap, but I really couldn't believe it when I saw an excerpt from a book (Parentonomics) by Joshua Gans. Yes, an economist, writing a book on parenting. I was so fucking angry at the crap he was spouting! I couldn't finish reading the article. Five days later, I finally brought myself to read the whole article in order to write an angry letter to Playgroup NSW:

To whoever is responsible for Totline:

I could not believe what I saw when I started to read the article/book excerpt "The Big Sleep" in the latest Totline magazine. It is the most horrible, unresearched, harmful piece of crap I have read in a long time. Sorry, but there's no better way to describe it. From an organisation which claims to promote 'positive interaction between children and carers' and 'the development of self esteem in our children'- the advice given in this article goes against both of those values.
The article promotes the controlled crying technique, in which babies are left on their own to cry themselves to sleep at very young ages.

In 2003 the Australian Association for Infant Mental Health released a paper stating their opposition to the Controlled Crying technique, based on research they had conducted:
“AAMHI is concerned that the widely practiced technique of Controlled Crying is not consistent with what infants need for their optimal emotional and psychological health, and may have unintended negative consequences”.

One of the biggest consequences of this technique is that the trust relationship between a baby and its carers is damaged. When a baby cries, it is attempting to communicate something. Crying is, at first, the only method of communication available to a baby. When this is ignored, the lesson that the baby learns is not 'I need to learn to sleep on my own', it is 'I cannot trust my parents to be there for me when I need them'.

Sometimes controlled crying seems to work- the baby stops crying and goes to sleep. What is actually happening is that the baby's emotions are shutting down. The common human stress responses are fight or flight, but a baby can do neither of these. It's reaction to being abandoned (yes, that is how the baby sees it) is to withdraw, to shut down. This happens after the baby's system has been flooded with cortisol, the stress hormone. When a baby to turn to this 'shut down' response often enough, major and permanent damage is done to the baby's stress response system.

For more information about the damage done by controlled crying, see "Helping Your Baby To Sleep: Why Gentle Techniques Work Best" by Anni Gethin and Beth MacGregor, and the article http://bawlingbabies.blogspot.com/2007/06/controlled-crying-some-facts-and.html (and other articles on that website). For gentler sleep solutions, see "Sleeping Like A Baby" by Pinky MacKay, and "Nighttime Parenting" by Dr William Sears.

Apart from the fact that the article promotes the CC technique, the other complaint I have about it is the language used by the author to describe children- his own and others. He frequently uses language that describes babies as objects to be controlled, and also as deliberately manipulative. Some examples include "...a little baby can train its parents nicely", "...a child... starts using this method to get a reaction from you. The trickery...", "...a shrewd baby has improved their acting skills", "That night we implemented a hard line", "Sure, the first few times you leave a happy and awake baby in their cot, they will be confused and scream..."

What the author doesn't seem to understand is that babies are people. They are deserving of respect. They are not inconvenient objects that must be 'negotiated' with. Their feelings and emotions are real, their needs are real- including the need for closeness. Yes, even at night. Attention is a NEED for children, not a want. Children who don't get enough touch and attention don't grow. They don't develop properly.

While Mr Gan may be pleased that his children, as small babies, supposedly learnt that it's not worth their while to 'negotiate' for his or his partner's attention at night, he may regret this later down the track. When one of his children, at 16, considers the option of either calling him for a lift home from a party at 2am, or getting in a car with a drunk driver, they will undoubtedly remember their early lesson- my parents will not always be there for me. I can't trust them to be there when I need them. I can't disturb my parents to ask for help when it's inconvenient for them. I am on my own.

Please consider the impact that inresearched information like this can have on parents, and on their helpless babies. Before publishing an article which promotes a particular parenting technique, do your own research. I suggest that, in the next issue of Totline, you publish an excerpt from a gentle, respectful sleep book- my recommendation is "Helping Your Baby To Sleep", as mentioned above.

In anger and sadness,
Rachel M

FINISHED!!!

Well, sort of.

I've just (this afternoon) finished my first knitting project! But seeing as it's a part of a (much) larger project, it's not actually finished, but still, I'm feeling proud!

It's a square for a patchwork blanket:


I think it looks pretty bloody spiffy! Yay me. It took me a rather long time, cos having only just learnt to knit (thanks, Mum!) I'm pretty slow still, and I only got to do maybe three or four rows a day, when Zara's sleeping and I don't have anything else I need to do.

So now that I know the (very) basics of knitting - casting on, knit stitch and casting off, LOL - I'm going to move on to slighty more challenging projects! I'm not quite game to try making clothes yet, though. Malachi had requested I make him an orange and blue snake. This'll give me a chance to practice a few other funky things, like increasing (which I've done twice since starting the snake!), colour changing, and maybe other types of stitches. Then I'm planning a bag for me :)

Knitting Help is a cool site. Anyone thinking of learning to knit- do it! It's cool!

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Also, a short vegie garden update...

I'd like to welcome the newest inhabitants of my garden, LOL- a little bubby Meyer Lemon tree, a little bubby Tahitian Lime tree, and some capsicum seedlings. The bloody dog has already gotten into the back vegie garden and dug up one of the capsicums (planted yesterday) and trampled another one. GRRRR....

And - big news - we have cauliflowers coming!


Two of the caulis out the front have visible flowers growing, and I'm sure the others won't be far behind! Woohoo!!